Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Time to celery-brate.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
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