What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
The pint’s the limit.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
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