What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.

What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”

Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?

How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!

Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.

Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.

You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.

My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her

What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?

Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.

What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.

Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."

What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld

"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner

How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.

A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.

Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.

Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

No body has ever won a skeleton race.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.

What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.

What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.

What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.

What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!

"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.

"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.

What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Butter

Butter who?

Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!

How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.

Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.

Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.

How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!

What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!

Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...