"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
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