You and I could totally melt my igloo.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
Go to BabaMail
