What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Sips getting real.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
So how many cats do you have?
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
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