What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Make it rein.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Variety is the ice of life.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
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