I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
I think I found my perfect match
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
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