I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Do you comma here often?
Birch, please.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
You're my missing ingredient.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
You’re brew-tiful!
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
I told you snow.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
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