"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
It's lit.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
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