There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Love at frost sight!
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
I can get you off the Naughty List.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
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