Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Life is brew-tiful!
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Go to BabaMail
