I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
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