Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Icy what you did there!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
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