I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Rebel without a Claus.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
We are mint to be.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
"It's not me, it's you!"
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
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