What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda

Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.

I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.

A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.

Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw

Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.

Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.

What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!

Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.

I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.

What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."

Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice

How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.

my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.

What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

Take a page from the book and leaf.

When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.

Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.

What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise

What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.

"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown

How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous

Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.

How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”

What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck

What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"