Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Owl always love you.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
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