What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
How about a kanga-root?
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
You’re my pot of gold.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
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