“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Go to BabaMail
