Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Shell-abrate the good times!
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Summer is just floating by.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
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