"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
The ocean made me salty.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Do you be-leaf in magic?
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Go to BabaMail
