In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
"Just don't carrot all."
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
How rude-olf of you.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Go to BabaMail
