Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
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