Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Metaphors be with you.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I want you for no raisin.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
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