My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."

What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!

What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.

If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!

What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.

What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.

Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.

My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!

What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.

How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!

Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.

“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.

I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.

The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.

I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.

You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.

Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.

How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner

A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.

I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.

Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer

just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.

What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

- Rodney Dangerfield