We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
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