When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.

Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.

Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..

What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.

Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.

You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.

Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!

What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.

"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland

“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”

How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!

Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.

You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.

Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full

Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.

We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.

How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.

My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”

A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.

Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.

Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.

She is sadly mist.

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.

Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.

This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.

When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?

Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.

My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!