What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
After all is sled and done.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
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