What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
How about we get down to monkey business?
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
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