We’ll have a ball.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I didn't know angels flew this low.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Water you doing, my friend?
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
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