Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
You look a lot like my next victim.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
In the eyes of the lawn.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
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