“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Werewolves love their fast food.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
Calm before the score
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
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