How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
You’re the queen of my heart.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
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