I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
That was thaw-some!
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
You are sweeter than 3.14.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Go to BabaMail
