Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
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