Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
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