Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
How about a kanga-root?
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
By the seat of one’s punt
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
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