“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”

– Terry Pratchett

Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.

What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"

Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!

Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.


What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.

He came, he thawed, he conquered.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!

What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck

A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.

What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.

The temperature can only go up from here.

Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?

It is a Vauxhall.

What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.

My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!

I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance

The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!

Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.

What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.

Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson

“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”

“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.

Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.

“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!

We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.

I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.

What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.

My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"

My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”

With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."