One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
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