There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Treat yo shelves.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
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