How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
We like to paddy.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
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