What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Can I be Candide with you?
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
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