What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
You’re my #1 pick.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
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