I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
As it snow happens.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
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