How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Want to become my new personal best?
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
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