What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
We have great chemis-tree.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Seas the day.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
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