You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
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