Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
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