Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
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