My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
I call the shots.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Distill my beating heart.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
Life is better when we stick together.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
You’re unbeleafable.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
It’s party thyme.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Go to BabaMail
