I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Can I be your next varietal?
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
One more thyme.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
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