What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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