“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Dublin over in laughter.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
“Monday should be optional.”
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Burst into cheers!
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
It was mitten in the stars.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
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