I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Permission to board?
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Shave a single shingle thin.
I eat eel while you peel eel
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
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