We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
What is your favorite yoga pose?
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
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