When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
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