“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
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