“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
I love your energy.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
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