Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in

Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.

What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.

What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.

What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn

What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.

Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…

What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?

Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.

You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.

The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.

What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!

Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.

Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft

What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.

What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.

When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"

Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.

Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?

Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.

Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.

Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.

My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.

I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.

If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?

Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!

How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!

“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert

What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!

How to cars convince you?

By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’

How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.

Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.

I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.

Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.