“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
"I lava you."
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
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