"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
God was just showing off when he made you.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
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