What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I'm at my best during overtime.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
My moment in the sun.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
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