“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
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