Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
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