“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Who needs luck? I have charm.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
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