Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
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