I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
I Ecuador you.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Metaphors be with you.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
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