When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Summer is just floating by.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
How rude-olf of you.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Just brew it!
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
What do crows read? Cawmics.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
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