What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Get in the swim this summer.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
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