What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
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