Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
You look good on your yoga mat.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
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