Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
I want to stretch with you.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Let’s take an elfie.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
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