If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
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