What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.

Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!

Irish you luck.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice

“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond

Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.

How about you and I form a binary system?

"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky

Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.

My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.

What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.

What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland

What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW

I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.

Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.

Lost at sea? I'm not shore.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.

What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!

Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn

Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.

Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!

Herb your enthusiasm.

Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

You’re so pharma-cute-ical!

Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.

Once upon a Halloween night,

A coven of witches took flight;

They went to the UN;

Added an “F” to UN.,

From then on the world’s future was more bright.

I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.