“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
You sleigh me.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
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