What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Biology - It grows on you.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Want to become my new personal best?
It’s party thyme.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
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