What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Birch, please.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
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