What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I came here looking for a little tail.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
To get to the other tide.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
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