The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
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