After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
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