What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
You snow the drill.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
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