Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
You don't know jack-o-lantern
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
"You had me at merlot."
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What a spud muffin.
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