Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
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