The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I’ll never leaf you.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
I'd love to see you s'more.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
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