"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Let me plant one on ya!
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
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