What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
You are the object of my preposition.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
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