Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.

I dig you a hole lot.

What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”

― Richard Brautigan

Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.

Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.

I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan

Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.

Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!

Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.

Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!

Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.

Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.

You look a lot like my next victim.

How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.

Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!

The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.

I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.

Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.

If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.

Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.

Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.

"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.

What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke

My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.

I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.