What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
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