Can I be your next varietal?
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
You looked better when I was drunk.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
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