I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
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