The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
They say everything gets better with age.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
We should make like your parents and split.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
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