What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
By the seat of one’s punt
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Whale, hello there.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
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