What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Love me do
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
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