My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
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