“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Resting Grinch face.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Are you a human? Just making sure.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I'm snow bored.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Only a**holes use bidets.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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