How was heaven when you left it?
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I think you’re dandelion.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
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