Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
"Rosé all day."
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
The calm before the score
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
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