How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
I yam what I yam.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
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