I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Metaphors be with you.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
You are the object of my preposition.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
"Adulting makes me wine."
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
I have bean thinking about you.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
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