What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.

I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood

What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

- Cindy Garner.

What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”

I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.

Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?

Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.

The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.

Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her

What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.

A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.

Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?

The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.

Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.

“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder

“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

Leaf me alone.

Avoid pier pressure.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!

A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!

Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!

How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.

What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"

Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.