What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.

Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.

Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.

You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown

"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.

I only have ice for you.

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams

Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.

What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.

What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!

I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.

Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.

"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.

I call the shots.

The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.

My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!

When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"

I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.

What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

"Having a good hare day."

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”