I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
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